So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
