I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
