I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
