Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
