I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
