Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
