remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
