So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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