Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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