Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
