Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
