i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
