I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
