I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
