12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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