I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
