i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
