so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
