I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
