Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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