Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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