I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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