I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
