i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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