I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
