i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
