she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
