Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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