Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
