the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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