Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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