The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
