He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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