My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
