I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Who died my cat blue again?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
