yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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