the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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