You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
