My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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