I'm going to jail i love you
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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