My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
