One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
