Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
