Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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