Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
