Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
