I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
