i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
