my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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