Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
